Of moon cakes and truth serums
by Iseria Dweller
Summary: Last Remnant had heaps of Chinese influences so I guess Moon cakes there would be a normal thing? Anyways, the generals had done something to offend the marquis of Athlum. How will David seek revenge with Irina's help? CRACK fic!


The silence of the night was broken by a loud frustrated roar and it belonged to an upset blonde teenager. Irina shut her book and dashed off to the Marquis' office, taking 2 steps at a time up the flight of stairs. She was already prepared for the worse by the time she reached the office.

In fact, she had a clear mental picture of the usual scene taking place.

_Four intimidating figures will flank the Marquis of Athlum's sides, heavily armed to the teeth. The marquis himself would be seated at his usual desk, a grim look in his eyes. In his hands, he would be holding onto a file which would detail the dire situation the four intimidating figures were to solve._

Then, all hell would break lose as some sort of chaos would stir up in the plains. Perhaps, it would be the usual army of demons from the Robelia castle ruins. Those beasts had been quite troublesome lately.

Something like that. Ya know, the usual stuff?

However, Irina didn't expect........_this to happen.  
_  
Upon reaching the office, she found the door wide open and his famous four generals were no where in sight.

Quite strange considering the fact that his loyal generals would usually race up to him in a heartbeat upon hearing his frustrated, frantic, happy, determined or whatever emotions - screams.

.....Or maybe they had learned their lessons not to get so worked up over the sound of his screaming.

....Or moaning for that matter.

"Lord David?" Irina tipped her head, staring at her best friend while her brain attempted to contemplate just what was wrong with him.

The marquis was currently yelling at his inanimate victim.

A beautifully carved wooden box with delicate oriental designs along its edges. Irina recognized the box and knew what it held - a delicacy in honor of Athlum's annual festivals.

"Moon cakes?" Irina stared at the hysterical blonde. "Are you screaming at an empty box of moon cakes?"

Or was he hallucinating about her brother again?

That happened quite a lot.

TOO much for her liking actually. In fact, it happened far too much to the point where everyone in Athlum was starting to question about his sexual orientation.

But that's not what this pointless story is about.

Its about the delicacy this oriental country shared with the rest of the real world.

"I ordered these SPECIALLY from the bakery in Celapaleis." The marquis said (read: bitched), pointing at the innocent empty box.

"...You mean you ordered a box of moon cakes all the way in Celapaleis?" Irina was puzzled at WHAT this commotion was all about by then. "And you didn't like it?"

"NO!" David slammed his gloved fists on the polished surface of his wooden desk. "Or at least I didn't even have the chance to decide if the cakes do tastes awesome or simply disgusting! Because when the kitchen maid delivered the box, IT WAS IN THIS STATE!"

Thankfully, Irina was immune to the marquis' antics by this time. The younger girl simply stared at the crazy blonde (who was starting to be as dramatic as Wagram) as he waved the empty moon cake box around.

Part of Irina was afraid that the marquis' grip would accidentally slip and that the box would go flying right to her head. As a precautionary measure, Irina took a tiny step to the side and readied her healing spells.

Maybe this was a bad time to pay a visit to the marquis but it was her brother's birthday and it was in her brother's will that she should go visit David regularly.

"In what state? It was stale?" Irina just HAD to stupidly ask.

But hey! Don't blame her!

"NO!" The marquis was already out of his seat by then. He threw the box right to the couch nearby before cornering the poor girl against the wall. "It was in a state of emptiness. The box I mean, not the moon cakes. In other words, THERE WAS no moon cakes at all. Only CRUMBS."

Irina then put two and two together whilst trying to ignore the fact that the marquis was - this - close to her. "....You mean, someone ate it all?"

The blonde nodded. "At first, I thought it was the bakery trying to be funny but the kitchen maid said that the Generals - ALL FOUR of them - who picked the delivery up from the delivery girl."

"You don't mean....."

The marquis moved away from Irina, pacing around her, frustrated. "NONE of them would admit and there was no proof that they ate it, even though it's OBVIOUS that they did! The box was in their shared hall since I wasn't able to pick the delivery up. I was busy with a bunch of angry farmers who is convinced that the world is ending."

The wheels in Irina's cutesy little mind was spinning rapidly. "......I think. I got a plan. How to catch the generals red handed."

David Nassau paused in mid step.

"And just how do you plan to do that?"

"I'm going to see the witch." Irina decided. "I'll order a truth serum from her and then place a special order from the bakery here."

"This better work." David muttered as the brunette dashed out of the office. "Soon...my generals....soon...."

Part of him was glad that Emma was six feet under. Had she still been alive, she would've kicked up a huge grand storm over this absolute nonsense.

Either that or she would've just ignored and left them all to their own stupidity.

Her daughter on the other hand.............

**oOo**

The only part of the castle that was unlit by electricity and why should it be?

It was once a dungeon to hold prisoners facing a death sentence.

Velvet tapestries depicting the crest and coat of arms of Athlum, now hung over the walls of the room. But if one were to pull down these tapestries, one would probably still be able to see the crusty brown blood stains splayed out over the cold stone walls.

A beautiful, glass chandelier hung above the ceiling, alongside a bizarre display of bloodied chains (the servants are convinced that the chains were once used to hang the unfortunate victims to their deaths).

Three inhumane looking figures sat facing each other in the candlelit room. A Chinese peach wood coffee table sat in between the frightening figures.

"That was too easy." The bulky figure in the middle commented.

"Almost like taking candy from a baby." The 2nd bulky figure at the side added.

"You mean, taking MOON CAKES from the Marquis?" A short, toad like figure, corrected from his spot beside his two bulky comrades.

"Ah Pagus, same difference." The 2nd bulky figure said. "That would teach the boy not to fool around with the Generals of Athlum."

Pagus sighed, shutting his book. With a snap of his web like fingers, the other candles in the room lit up, responding to his magic. "Blocter, are you still sore over that pay cut?"

The yama stood up quickly in a fit of rage. "Its not just the pay cut! Think! We're not only over worked but underfed as well!"

"Are we?" Pagus was puzzled. "How does not being able to eat moon cakes add up to being underfed?"

"I DON'T KNOW! ASK TORGAL! HE SAID SO!"

The sovani shrugged and simply went back to his tea, Earl Grey, an expensive import from the outside world.

"I pray that Emmy would have much more sense than this..." Pagus shook his head, depressed at how childish the famed Generals of this very city had become.

"Actually, Emmy was the one who helped us pull all this off." Torgal remarked smoothly, looking at the ancient general.

"....never...mind........."

Pagus didn't really had the grace to wallow over what had become of his entire team for just then, Emmy, the fourth general, had barged into the room with a mail order form in hand.

"Guys! I got good news!" Emmy beamed happily in a psychotic way which scared poor old Pagus to death (since she looked like an identical clone of her mother and her all too cheerful ways was giving him the impression that the old Emma Honeywell was still there - just under a different disguise and a different kind of medication).

The other two Generals behind him perked up.

"What is it?" Torgal curiously asked. "Is that what I think it is..."

"Yes!" Emmy literally pounced on her colleagues. "Its a mail order from the bakery! The marquis has ordered himself a huge box of moon cakes just for him and Irina!"

"Just for HIM and IRINA?!" Blocter stomped up to the petite woman. "HOW is that supposed to be good news?!"

Emmy shoved the order form against the yama's bulky frame. "Just think. We'll get to pull off THAT operation again."

Pagus stood up, wanting no part of this absurd childish play.

"Oh no you don't!" The three other generals cornered the poor qsiti against a wall, the way rapists (or kidnappers) do in those hollywood movies.

"What in the name of- !!"

**oOo**

The delivery girl presented her pass and letter of permit to the guards of the Marquis' castle early next morning. The delightful aroma of freshly baked moon cakes surrounded the pretty box in the delivery girl's arms and it made the four innocently wandering Generals...hungry.

Well. THREE of them at least. The fourth one was very annoyed at the fact that he got pulled into this stupid plan.

"I've been ordered to take the delivery straight to the marquis himself." Pagus announced.

"Oh!" The delivery girl carefully handed him the box. "Do take care. Its a special order straight from his Excellency!"

"Fear not, it is safe in my hands, young lady." The qsiti assured before walking back to the generals' hallways.

**oOo**

"Irina, are you sure they'll FALL for it? Pagus is really sharp." David looked at the younger teen skeptically.

"Oh don't worry, just sit back and relax. They should be eating the moon cakes as scheduled." Irina knew them just TOO well.

"....Whatever you say."

**oOo**

2 hour had passed.

Pagus simply flipped another page off his book, ignoring his three loud comrades.

In the ancient general's opinion, he never did like moon cakes at all. The delicacy was simply too sweet for his sharp taste buds. To top it all off, he couldn't stand it when his comrades get sugar high on that evil cake.

"And he even believed it!" Emmy giggled and flopped down to her seat.

"AHAAHAHAA!!"

Pagus, being the wisest (and only sanest guy left in the team ever since Emma departed to the glorious after life), had stayed away from the moon cakes, leaving him to deal with three sugar high ........and giggly generals.

The ancient qsiti knew that there was some sort of trap hidden in the moon cakes. The marquis was not as stupid as his long lost lover Rush Sykes. Pagus knew that the 19 year old ruler had a rather revengeful streak hiding within the depths of his mind.

The aforementioned streak would only be triggered if someone kept stealing the food he desperately craved or if someone he love got kidnapped.

Or killed.

Yeh.

"Speak of the devil!" Pagus remarked as the marquis himself, walked into the hall.

"Ah....so what do we have here?" David Nassau smiled. Twistedly.

Pagus stared at the three giggling morons. The marquis had drugged the moon cakes with Truth serum. A strong truth serum that would 'hold' its victim in their spot by inducing humorous thoughts within their memories.

"So. Its clear WHO has been eating those moon cakes for the past one week, isn't it?" David eyed the three hysterical generals.

Pagus could tell that David was disturbed when Torgal rolled all over the carpeted floor, hysterically going on and on about something in his sovani tongue.

"So Emmy," David looked at the smiling girl. "Did you eat it?"

Emmy Honeywell smiled happily at her employer and clapped her hands together, as if she was watching some sort of romantic chick flick. "Why yes I did, My lord!"

David simply stared as the youngest general simply went on, as if she was talking to him about the weather in Athlum.

"It was so good! I mean, my mother always used to do this to your father when he was being a dick." Emmy beamed. "I remembered when your father black mailed my mother because they had this hot affair and my mother was so in love with your father back there. Heck, she even wore that pink lolita dress for him!"

David was HORRIFIED. "Uh....Emmy, that's enough. I only wanted to know...THAT much...." quickly, he turned his attention to Blocter.

"Did you eat it?"

Blocter chuckled heartily, pulling the marquis into a manly head lock. "Of course I did!!!! Because you were such an asshole!!"

".....................what?"

Torgal patted David roughly on the back. "Eh, you are such a dumb kid as well! No wonder the Conqueror was able to defeat you so easily back there! Because you can't even defend your own snack!! AHAHAAHA!"

The three generals burst out laughing all over again and Pagus could see that David was extremely appalled.

"Fear not, the effects will wear off by the next day and mind you, they won't remember what they have said or done." Pagus calmly explained.

Now, the wheels in David's head was spinning. "......They won't remember a single thing?"

"Exactly, My lord."

"Pagus, can I borrow that video cam you bought in town just the other day?"

"......................................."

**oOo**

"...Is it just me or David is NOT being friendly at all today?" Emmy was puzzled. She had no idea what she had done to offend the young marquis.

"I've no idea. He's been acting cranky to me as well." Torgal shrugged. "He must've been tired."

Just then, Blocter came tearing down the hallways of the castle (not a pleasant sight to see when he's THAT big and heavy, mind you).

"Hey Bloc, what's up?" Emmy and Torgal walked over to their comrade, who looked...quite pale.

"You HAVE to see this."

"See what?"

"THE INTERNET."

The three generals raced back to their personal hall where they found Pagus sitting calmly in front of a holographic screen on the coffee table.

**oOo**

"David...that was mean." Irina looked at the boy.

"You mean uploading all of their hidden secrets onto the world wide web? Naaah." David didn't even look up from his paperwork even as a horrifying scream rang from the generals' chambers. "They'll live." __

_**oOo**___

"I DID NOT HIT ON YOUR MOM EMMY!"

"I DON'T LIKE PINK!"

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"MY FAULT NOW?!"

"AAHAHAHAHA TORGAL KITTYKINS!"

"You wanna say that again? To my fist!?"

Pagus simply sighed. It was yet another typical week in Athlum.

- OWARI -


End file.
